This is a question I have asked myself a lot lately. Making a change is hard, even when we know it is in our best interests. Moreover, when trying to better our lives, it can be hard to maintain motivation. It is so much easier to sleep in than get up early to work out. To binge tv. To drink. Recently, I have struggled to maintain my workout routine. In the short term, it feels so much better to sleep in, especially if I stayed up too late the night before.
But that’s how choices cascade. Whether we make the healthy long-term choice or the choice that feels easier in the short term, it has ripple effects through every part of our life. If I choose to sleep in instead of workout, I’ll end up staying up too late and have less energy, which will lead me to sleep in, and around and around it goes. So lately, I have been asking, “What do I owe myself?” Because it is up to me and no one else. I make my own choices and live with my own consequences.
So what do you owe yourself?
Put yourself first.
It can be hard to put yourself first. You might feel guilty when you do something for yourself instead of your family, friends, or even boss. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you choose yourself above everyone in all situations. It means filling your cup first. Make sure that you are getting what you need. Then give from a place of abundance. If you always sacrifice your own needs and desires for someone else, you will eventually become frustrated and resentful, and that’s not good for anyone. Not for you. Not for the people in your life.
The mindset work I have developed to counter this instinct is this: make every action a gift – to your present self, your future self, or to others. This is another way to make better choices for yourself because even if you do something that your present self enjoys if it harms your future self, it isn’t really a gift. And when it comes to being there from others, if you find that you can’t come from a place of open, sincere giving, then that’s probably exactly where it is time to set a boundary and say no. When we stay true to ourselves and our boundaries, we can focus our energy on the things that really matter to us. And we can give from an authentic place.
Treat yourself with kindness.
This is part of putting yourself first, but it’s more than that. How do you speak to yourself? Would you speak to someone you love the way you speak to yourself? I used to be terrible about this. Even as a young child, I would speak horribly to myself. I thought if someone around me was angry, that it was because of a deficiency in myself. I would berate myself when I made mistakes far worse than anyone else in my life would. And this is honestly probably the reason I developed an anxiety disorder later in life. I was so unkind to myself and felt like I had to be perfect to justify existing. No wonder I had panic attacks.
You are not perfect. And that’s okay. No one – no matter how successful – is perfect.
“To err is human, to forgive divine.”
– Alexander Pope
Our thoughts shape our reality. If you believe you will fail, you will. If you decide failure isn’t an option, you’ll keep going and find a way through no matter what obstacles fall in your path. That’s why it is so important to treat yourself with kindness. No good can come from tearing yourself down. Treat yourself like your best friend. There is no one in this world you will spend more time with than yourself, so make it a healthy relationship.
Surround yourself with people who are a positive force in your life.
And speaking of healthy relationships, you owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who are a positive force in your life. This means you also owe it to yourself to put distance between yourself and unhealthy relationships. For better or worse, the people you spend the most time with have a profound influence on you. They affect your attitude, your choices, and your experiences. It’s hardest when it is family who have a negative influence on our lives. If you have a toxic relationship with someone if your life, and you are unwilling to remove them from your life completely, then it is time to set boundaries.
I will talk more about boundaries in future posts, but for now, I’ll say this: Having boundaries means removing yourself from situations that are harmful to you. Communicate your feelings and needs. Be clear about how you expect to be treated, and walk away if people are unwilling to meet those expectations. Maintaining healthy boundaries means valuing your own feelings and needs. It means understanding that you are not responsible for how others feel or behave, but you are responsible for the way you react. It means holding yourself and others accountable. It means saying no when saying yes means your needs or values aren’t being met.
Take care of your physical health.
This can mean different things for different people, especially if you have a health condition. For my husband, it means that he can’t drink anymore. But generally, it means maintaining a balanced diet, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, and exercising.
It also means managing your stress levels. Stress has physiological effects throughout the body. In times of stress, your adrenal glands release adrenaline and cortisol. Adrenalin increases your heart rate and blood pressure. Cortisol increases glucose in the bloodstream and brain, alters the immune system, and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system, and growth. It also influences the regions of the brain that control mood, motivation, and fear. These responses are beneficial in a life-or-death situation, but most of the time, when we feel high levels of stress these days, it’s not for those reasons. Moreover, our bodies evolved such that when we escape a life-or-death situation, these functions of the body should return to normal. But that isn’t the case these days when our stress is due to work, finances, or relationships, among other things that never seem to stop. Long-term increased stress can lead to depression, insomnia, impaired memory and focus, weight gain, issues with digestion, headaches, inflammation, muscle tension, chronic pain, heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes, among other health problems. Methods of managing stress can and do fill many books. I will talk about these in future posts, but for now, following the advice above to put yourself first, treat yourself with kindness, surround yourself with people who are a positive force in your life, and set healthy boundaries is a great place to start.
We all know we should probably eat better, be more active, and take better overall care of ourselves. Knowing is one thing, and acting is something else entirely. But when I ask, “What do I owe myself?” it reminds me why I make the hard choices. It’s not just what I owe myself now; it’s what I owe my future self. Because I’ve seen the effects that poor choices make later in life, and I never want to experience it. And please know, no matter where you are in life, no matter what choices you’ve made in the past, it’s never too late to start making better choices now. It’s amazing the recovery that can be made when you start taking care of yourself. Mind and body. I’ve seen it.
Take care of your mental health.
If you follow the advice above, you will be well on your way towards taking care of your mental health, but make sure this is a priority for you, and practice self-care. Often, self-care can be thought of as frivolous. Manicures, massages, and bubble baths are all nice things, and if you have the means and they make you feel better, go for it! But that’s not entirely what I mean when I say to practice self-care. Do things that recharge you and fulfill you. What are you passionate about? Find ways to bring passion into your life.
Journal. This is a great way to check in with yourself, organize your thoughts, and let go of things that may be bothering you. It’s also a great way to follow up on this post. Examine different areas of your life and start asking yourself, “What do I owe myself?” You might be surprised by the answers you come up with. Put those thoughts into action. You deserve it.
And don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to a friend, doctor, or therapist if you are struggling.
